Relationships can be complicated, especially when you’re experiencing deep misunderstandings or even a full-blown crisis. Many of us look for ways to save our relationships without realizing that the journey towards healing must start with ourselves. It can be difficult to see the path forward when you’re drowning in emotional turmoil, but that’s where programs like Bridging the Gap (BTG) come in. The following five concepts are crucial for anyone looking to transform their relationships with this program, especially when you feel like you're reaching for answers. Let’s break down these key ideas and explore how to implement them.
Do not prematurely introduce this information.
Most of you arrive in relationship crisis. It's important for you to have your change of heart (you stop drowning) FIRST before you attempt to share this or else the delivery will fall flat. When you use BTG for survival, it will weaponize it. This material is built on love and compassion. It's impossible to have true unconditional love for people when you are drowning. When you are drowning, you see others as a resource. They are either taking your resources or giving you resources. And you cannot give or receive unconditional love when you are focused on what someone can give you. I learned long ago that's a mentality that shifts you into a mindset to treat others as objects or obstacles in your way, instead of living, breathing people who have needs and feelings themselves. This happens as a side effect of our own survival mode. It's not your responsibility to save your relationship if you don't want to, but you certainly need to save yourself, and that's where you have the power to change things. Yourself. You always have power over yourself, your mindset, and your choices. You can't have two people drowning. That's just a mess. This journey will focus on owning your own power to heal yourself first. You don't have to wait around for anyone else. You will move from being a victim in your situation to being the master of your own life. As the one who found this material first, it's your job to put on your oxygen mask first. Then you can take one to your loved one. You are going to learn so much information, it WILL shift your perspective.
My husband always says. Perspective Precedes Perception. That means, YOUR perspective MUST shift to see things clearly.
Imagine a crash at a four-way stop. There are many perspectives that saw what happened. The witnesses from all four sides see the same crash and have completely different perspectives (some may overlap). But none have the full picture. Each witness will stand by their perspective until their dying day. It is as real as ever. They SAW it. So how do we find the full story when everyone's view is in opposition. Life is the crash. Your experience in life is your PERSPECTIVE of the crash. This is because of all the unique wiring we have. All of our experiences are subjective. You have all been at the ground level on opposite sides observing the crash. We're going to show you how your brain has been tricking you every day. We do this by showing you the BIRD'S EYE VIEW camera. It sees the WHOLE picture.
Attribute your change appropriately, don't lie or be secretive.
Be honest and transparent: Be clear about your change and the role this program has played in it. Changing your perspective will help you change your behavior. This natural and authentic change of heart is what's needed before you try to share this. The good news is that by the time your change becomes super noticeable to your loved one, that's around the time YOU will be ready to share it. Meaning you are no longer drowning. Congrats! Change out of nowhere makes no sense to anyone. You already DON'T make sense to your loved one. (This is why you were searching for answers!) You don't need sneaky or suspicious behavior to get added to the list. That will make you look as if you are doing something wrong when it's the opposite. We don't want to cause more of a divide in your relationship. Don't hide BTG, the materials, or your tools. Just because we tell you to NOT introduce this too early, this doesn't mean you can't TALK about or reference it in ways that help your loved one process the changes you are making. We're telling you not to PUSH it on your partner. Change is always caused by something, if you make drastic changes to your mentality, your loved one is going to be looking to make sense of it. In fact, they may get more hung up on trying to figure out why your behavior is so different all of a sudden that they can't actually enjoy your change in behavior. There is a section in the program with more instructions about sharing, but along the way you can explain your behavior, "my behavior is different because I am learning tools to help myself, and hopefully at some point, our relationship. I would love for you to learn about it with me when you are ready. Would you like to hear more?" Chances are they will not be interested yet. Anyone can change temporarily. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Don't be discouraged. (You will learn tools in this program that will help you be able to process patience more easily, so patience doesn't feel like torture. BTG is not a forceful program. It's an invitation to consider the possibilities. Agency is crucial. Keep being an ambassador for change.
You are the ambassador for change
Your behavior is what "sells" the material. You walking billboard, you! Your loved one will be watching you like a hawk to see if this material is worth the time and energy based on YOUR behavior and how the materials affect you. No pressure though. This is actually exciting because it allows you to have so much influence in changing your relationship. When you show someone the pathway to compassion, they will follow... eventually...
I don't know how long your journey is, or even where your final destination is, that's up to you. We are three years in and just when I think it can't get better, it does. Just because you are a walking billboard for this, that doesn't mean I am telling you to be perfect with it, Sean and I aren't even perfect at it. You can't always prevent mistakes, but you CAN be accountable every time you make a mistake. This is important in relationships, but even more when your behaviors are an example of what BTG is. When you don't account for your mistakes, your loved one is left to conclude that the BTG program supports negative behavior. They won't want to learn about something that is a source of more problems. Always make it clear when you are not adhering to the program.
What do YOU want?
This is a hard journey. It's not for the faint of heart, but in my opinion, the rewards are so much sweeter than I could have imagined. We went through absolute hell. All of us. While I would never wish that on my worst enemy, I still would do it all again to have what we have now and to be able to share it with you all. It wasn't easy. You can't do this for other people, you can't do this just for the kids. You can't do this to be a martyr. You have to want this. About 6 months before our 1st breakthrough I finally began to truly love myself. I finally knew what I was worth, and I knew what I wanted. I could have divorced my husband. For the first time, my self-esteem was at an all-time high, I actually knew I could remarry if I wanted to. I knew it would be hard, but for the first time, I wasn't afraid of being trapped by circumstances or by what I didn't think I deserved. It was when I truly believed I had options that I was able to truly see things clearly. I had been clouded by the resentment I felt toward him for being STUCK in a relationship I didn't like. When faced with a real choice. I was able to use my agency. I was able to choose. I DID want him. I CHOSE him. It wasn't because I was afraid of the kids getting mad, or that our cake business would crash if we divorced. No. I did it because I wanted HIM. I loved him, I knew there was more to our story. Your loved one doesn't want you to be with them because you feel STUCK with them. What do you want?
Pull the wagon
The next obstacle I faced was the fact that I KNEW that I wanted him, I knew what kind of relationship I (we) wanted, and I was determined to find a way to merge the two. This is where so many have fallen flat. The great news is we show you how to do that. You don't have to recreate the wheel. You just have to do the work. This summer I went to the beach and had an experience with the wagon. It enlightened me about the natural instincts we all have when faced with tough circumstances. Read it in full to the right. In short, when life gets tough, we have a couple of choices, we can sit around and wait for someone else to do something, wasting our time we could be enjoying ourselves, or we can pick up the wagon ourselves and pull it. It's not impossible, it's just hard. Some of you had an idea of how you envisioned your relationship and this is NOT what you had in mind. You may be angry you were sold a raw deal. You can dwell on the fact that things haven't been what you wanted and that your loved one should do this first, OR you can focus on the path in front of you. You finally have answers and you finally can get some relief for yourself and take your happiness into your hands. Pull the wagon!
In case you are fence-sitting, I'm here to tell you...
You need to learn this either way. Either way, you need to pull the wagon. I'm speaking to everyone when I say this information is needed for all of you, in some way, shape, or form. You need to learn this to help save yourself. Even if you are not considered neurodiverse, you will learn later in this program that trauma, PTSD, and even the stress and emotional trauma of being in these types of relationships (where you both don't understand each other) trigger CDR and that causes "acquired neurodiversity." So you all have problems! You all NEED this. We don't have to triage and measure who is struggling the most, because we have help for all of you. You need to learn this because you have a CHILD you need to help. And while you can ultimately choose to divorce your spouse, you can't divorce your child. If you have hope of being able to truly connect with your child (even if they're grown now), you will need to learn about them. You have coworkers, friends, sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents, etc... who will now make more sense after learning this framework.Many emotional scars can be healed when you understand the motives and driving forces of behaviors that once felt so hurtful.
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