Note: This is what it felt like, thanks to ChatGPT for bringing it to life!
A couple summers ago, I went to the beach with my mom and some extended family that were in town visiting.
I had an experience that felt so symbolic of life and of the journey Sean and I took after we had our breakthrough. I couldn’t shake how much it represented how I felt, and how instinctual we are when facing challenges and difficulties. Maybe you can relate.
We went in three separate cars and at some point two of the cars had parked and made it out to the beach. I was in the car with my mom and we still hadn’t found parking. She generously offered to drop me off at the sidewalk next to the beach while she found parking so I could find the rest of the family and start enjoying the beach. We loaded the entire wagon full of stuff from her trunk so everyone would have the snacks, toys and towels that she had in her car. Knowing I am not familiar with that beach or where their typical spot is, she instructed me to walk straight out on the beach and that that’s where they would be, the young strong teenage boys could carry the wagon and she pointed in the direction I should go.
As I entered the sand I realized just how huge the beach was. It was really hard to walk with a heavy wagon with tiny wheels on a huge beach. I tried looking for anybody that I knew and I couldn’t see them.
Zoom in and look at how FAR that is. And I wish my journey was that straight. It wasn’t. It zigzagged all over the place.
I tried calling on the phone to anyone from our group and nobody was answering. I ended up calling Sean, who was at home, for no other reason really except to tell him the situation I was in, I needed someone to whine to. The wagon was really heavy and the sand was really hot.
I tend to psychoanalyze and break down everything I do and say. I like to tear it down to the fundamental elements. That is one of the biggest things that led us to discovering BTG (and by the grace of God).
I quickly reflected and realized that so much of my misery and discomfort was stemming from the fact that I really DIDN’T want to be doing this. The reason I didn't WANT to be doing it was because I couldn't see why it was happening or what it's purpose was. This was NOT the plan. This was NOT what I had envisioned. Someone much stronger than me was supposed to be doing this. Someone with muscles much stronger than mine should be doing this.
As I was pulling the wagon, I realized it wasn’t IMPOSSIBLE to pull. It was just very uncomfortable and hard for me to do. But it wasn’t actually MORE than my muscles could bear, (it was almost maxing them out though). Even more, I was not expecting a workout today, I wasn’t expecting it to get that hot. I was anticipating a relaxing time without much energy use, just the typical idea of going to the beach, but I was already sweating, and sticky.
I kept calling family members as I was walking, but nobody was answering. I had to stop and remind myself several times that pulling this wagon wasn’t impossible. Yes it was hard and yes it was uncomfortable, but it wasn’t impossible.
I had a few choices: I could either sit there and get nowhere, I could wait for my mom (who was really no stronger than me and shouldn’t really be pulling a wagon like this anyways), I could sit there and wait until I finally did get a hold of somebody bigger and stronger who could do this, or I could just push through and make progress slowly, but surely.
I kept scanning the beach, looking for family members who were stronger than me, like my 15 year old son or my cousin’s 16 year old son. The strong boys could do this easily. I kept asking myself, “where are the muscles? The muscles should be pulling this wagon.” There was no one else, so I just kept moving. I would pull for a while, stop when I absolutely needed to, then call again. I felt like I was going so slow and it was getting hotter and I was getting more sweaty while dragging this wagon in the sand. I felt the stares as I passed the volleyball courts. I’m sure a lot of people were looking at me, wondering why I was inching through the beach with this wagon. I know I was a strange sight to see. They probably were wondering why I was bringing so much JUNK for one person or why I wasn’t doing it in a better way.
I kept going and going and going, stopping to take breaks and catch my breath. Then I would keep going because I had no other choice. When I got to the spot that my mom told me they would be, I didn’t see anybody. I looked around and finally spotted them off to the left not too far away. As soon as I flagged them down, all the young strong people came over and grabbed the wagon and carried it the rest away. It took them two seconds! I was so exhausted that I literally collapsed into my cousin’s lap and told her the story. I couldn’t help but see how strikingly similar that experience was to our life.
In life, when we go through challenges, we often look around to see who is stronger than us. Somebody stronger than us should be handling this issue, or helping us with this. Sometimes, there is nobody stronger around. And while it’s really uncomfortable and it isn’t part of our original plan to be working this hard in our life or relationships, sometimes there’s just nobody else to do it. There’s no other “muscles” to do the job.
In those moments we can stop and recognize that we can actually do it, because when given no other choice, you just do it. You can either sit there and wait for someone else to get there (who may or may not be stronger than you), wasting your day at the beach (your relationships) just sitting at the sidewalk where it meets the sand.
OR
You can take hold of the wagon and pull it as hard as you can. You find that it’s not impossible, it’s just really hard. It’s really uncomfortable, you may be sweaty and miserable for a while, but you CAN do it.
Too often in life when you are surrounded by other strong people, we automatically look to all the strong people to do the heavy lifting. That’s not to say that’s always bad. For example, I love having four boys and a husband who all carry in my groceries. But sometimes when no one else is around I just have to do it myself and yeah, it’s inconvenient and cumbersome, but it’s not impossible.
Sometimes in life, instead of pulling the wagon we sit there, we waste our whole day at the beach. We could be enjoying time with our family, but we think pulling the wagon is too hard or we think we’re not strong enough to pull the wagon on our own. You don’t have to pull the wagon fast, all you have to do is pull it.
This is not a race. I wasn’t racing anybody. The urgency I felt was knowing what I would be getting at the end of my journey. That’s what I wanted. I knew that all I would be doing was wasting my time if I stopped and waited, instead of enjoying life at the beach. Our whole group was all down there already enjoying themselves. If I sat there and waited, that would just be ME missing out on a good time.
In life many times, we hold ourselves back from having the relationships we want, the marriage that we want, the family that we want. We’re waiting around for somebody stronger to come in and fix the problem, and in the process are wasting the time that we could have in good relationships.
When Sean and I had our breakthrough, we didn’t actually have anybody to tell us it was going to work. We didn’t have anybody to tell us that the tools were gonna get automated. We didn’t have anybody to tell us and warn us about our first fight afterwards. There was nobody else. There was nobody stronger.
We wanted peace and happiness more than anything; we wanted it more than personal pride. We wanted to understand the other person more than we wanted to be understood. Like the saying “seek to understand before trying to be understood.”
We had to face each other and really seek to find compassion and love. We had to learn to trust in our present moment.
We had to detach from our past selves. That was hard because it was like we were new people with the memories and baggage of our old selves conditioned in our cells. So while we were learning about each other in a new relationship, we still had the same memories from the past. For a long time after there was a tiny micro chemical that got dropped into my bloodstream subconsciously when he got upset. I had to remind myself consciously this is a new reality. And that even when he expresses emotions like getting upset, it’s NEVER the same and will NOT BE THE SAME as the past. He is Sean 2.0.
Just like it takes more than a couple times to go to the gym to get your body in shape, it takes CONTINUOUS usage of the tools with your loved ones to understand them. You can’t use this once and expect a relationship on a platter. You have to keep working, but THIS time, it’s POSSIBLE.
Before, we were all attempting the impossible. The boxes don’t give people a perfect relationship, they enable you to finally speak the same language and understand each other. Using your boxes will help make this easier. Keeping the perspective of the others experience leads to overflowing compassion.
That type of compassion DOES lead to effortless love for each other and can GIVE you a relationship far better than you ever thought possible. Something that doctors, therapists, psychologists and other people are saying is impossible. Because they are right, it’s impossible without these tools. If you DON’T use them, and don’t follow the instructions, it won’t work. Just like if you don’t pull the wagon, it won’t move. Or if you don’t go to the gym, you won’t build muscle.
Comment below if you have ever been reluctant to "pull" your wagon.
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